{"id":834,"date":"2026-07-22T00:25:24","date_gmt":"2026-07-22T07:25:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/?p=834"},"modified":"2026-07-22T00:25:24","modified_gmt":"2026-07-22T07:25:24","slug":"tldr-recognition-%e2%89%a0-choice","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/2026\/07\/22\/tldr-recognition-%e2%89%a0-choice\/","title":{"rendered":"tl:dr: recognition \u2260 choice"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Framing gender, sexual, and relational preferences as choices does real harm. These choices<\/em> are the result of a culture built around a specific origin story, that by now is clearly a failed metaphor. When the beauty of human variation has been forced through binary tunnels for centuries, who we are has to make a choice as to whether or not to question imposed binaries and let oneself become observably nonconforming, without role models or a shared language.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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It’s the conformist power structure that forces the human being to prune themselves or be pruned, or risk the consequences of noncompliance. The choice is whether or not to allow oneself to be who they know themselves to be\u2014and no one should be forced to make that choice. Calling the decision to do so a choice is a cruel trivialization of a life-or-death ultimatum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You have to understand that growth requires belonging, and belonging requires recognition. A child who is loved is recognized, every day. A child who is recognized accurately, every day, by their community, grows to understand themselves in community. Belonging to the whole community, a child learns what their strengths and frailties are; and the community learns how to reciprocate with that specific child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other hand, a child who is viewed with mistrust because some characteristic does not conform to imposed role options is neglected. Even if they get their material needs met, a child that is not recognized misses out on growing up belonging<\/em>. If the whole community fails to recognize them, without knowing it they have imposed a completely different growth arc, shaping that child indelibly. A community that knows no differently ascribes this different arc to the common deviation metric of the day\u2014which never includes the complicity of the community, or the imperfection in the lens being used to observe it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The community that recognizes the value of human variation to the well-being of the collective will be delighted with a child’s specific qualities, and growing up with a community that is delighted by your presence has consequences, for the better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The community that has a narrow tolerance for human variation that deviates from a small set of imposed categories that don’t map well onto the human organism will have difficulty experiencing delight in their children’s growth. They may go so far as outsourcing child rearing en masse, raising children in environments with few real role models, and without the belonging that comes from recognition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Delight is like a vitamin, depriving a child of real-time reciprocal delight has real consequences, not for the better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the wake of centuries of binary training that twists our nature into prescribed shapes, given a window of opportunity, what looks like a decision to choose a nonbinary gender, a sexual preference that’s not prescribed in the dominant origin story, or a relational orientation that deviates from the cultural median, is more like an acknowledgement<\/em> than a choice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Acknowledgement is a moment of recognition. It is the delight that we reflect back to our child through our eyes, that allows one’s inner light to grow alongside one’s outer presentation. It’s an acknowledgment that should never have been framed as a choice. That moment of acknowledgment should always be celebrated, and never trivialized as a choice from a menu made on a whim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Framing gender, sexual, and relational preferences as choices does real harm. These choices are the result of a culture built around a specific origin story, that by now is clearly a failed metaphor. When the beauty of human variation has been forced through binary tunnels for centuries, who we are has to make a choice … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[29,27,124,14,26,15,9],"tags":[433,172,435,434,430,188,439,436,438,440,236,431,61,162,428,432,290,429,437,163],"class_list":["post-834","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-chronicle","category-didactics","category-education","category-neurodiversity","category-personal-narrative","category-politics","category-reflection","tag-acknowledgment","tag-belonging","tag-binary-systems","tag-child-development","tag-choice","tag-community","tag-conformity","tag-cultural-narratives","tag-delight","tag-deviation","tag-gender-identity","tag-identity-formation","tag-neurodiversity","tag-nonbinary","tag-nonconformity","tag-origin-stories","tag-power-structures","tag-recognition","tag-relational-orientation","tag-sexual-orientation"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paor1p-ds","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":783,"url":"https:\/\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/2026\/06\/15\/know-what-youre-doing\/","url_meta":{"origin":834,"position":0},"title":"know what you\u2019re doing","author":"Ryk Groetchen","date":"June 15, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"there's no decolonization without dismantling the gender binary. the intersectional person is the one who binds community\u2014because they actually understand and empathize with everyone. countries and communities who stigmatize nonbinary identity and orientation are doing white colonizers' work: one-drop purity tests don't build you up\u2014they prove you're not good enough.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "chronicle"","block_context":{"text":"chronicle","link":"https:\/\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/category\/chronicle\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/img_1490.png?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/img_1490.png?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/img_1490.png?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/img_1490.png?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":787,"url":"https:\/\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/2026\/06\/22\/are-redheads-sun-drenched-brunettes-or-spicy-blondes\/","url_meta":{"origin":834,"position":1},"title":"are redheads sun-drenched brunettes, or spicy blondes?","author":"Ryk Groetchen","date":"June 22, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"I recently received pushback from the usual channels when I posted about decolonizing the gender binary. As is my way, I went looking to history to see if I was being unfair to white guys. 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Where once our language was simple, our categories few, and our understanding limited, we now are able to talk about our unique being in the world with recognition, empathy, and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "neurodiversity"","block_context":{"text":"neurodiversity","link":"https:\/\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/category\/neurodiversity\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/06\/image-3.png?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/06\/image-3.png?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/06\/image-3.png?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/06\/image-3.png?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":813,"url":"https:\/\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/2026\/07\/12\/complementary-adaptation-toward-a-kinder-view-of-neurodiversity-and-disability-2\/","url_meta":{"origin":834,"position":3},"title":"complementary adaptation: toward a kinder view of neurodiversity and disability","author":"Ryk Groetchen","date":"July 12, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Two people in a boat. One can row, but cannot navigate. The other can navigate, but cannot row. If we view each as a whole, each has both an asset and a liability\u2014each is both abled and disabled. If we view the relationship as a whole, we can describe things\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "didactics"","block_context":{"text":"didactics","link":"https:\/\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/category\/didactics\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/img_1630.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/img_1630.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/img_1630.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/img_1630.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":771,"url":"https:\/\/ryk.groetchen.com\/blog\/2026\/06\/09\/to-a-young-person-questioning-themselves\/","url_meta":{"origin":834,"position":4},"title":"to a young person questioning themselves","author":"Ryk Groetchen","date":"June 9, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"I\u2019m 60Mf (that\u2019s how I\u2019ve been indicating a male-presenting femme-relating person). I\u2019ve always known that I\u2019m different on the inside, and I\u2019m so glad that it is becoming normalized to express ourselves about the nuances of our experiences relative to gender. 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