i, advocate

If you’ve been following my neurodiversity journey–as I articulate the experience of a person with autism, ADHD, aphantasia, and proprioception hyposensitivity from the inside, along with the other ways i share myself–and you’ve found that the insights I’ve shared connect with your experience, or contextualize something you suspected, realize that sharing these insights is one of the ways I care for my community.

And realize that, as a person with no degrees or qualifications as an advocate other than my lived experience and my inborn gifts, what I share makes no sense in the context of capitalism.

If you find that a person like me is a valuable part of the community, and worthy of support, realize that, within the context of 21st century American capitalism, there’s not much support for people like me, or for the people I advocate for, who often don’t have the gift for articulation that I share with my community.

I could institutionalize myself: pursue an advanced degree that legitimizes my advocacy in the context of capitalism, and in doing so, would need to unplug myself from the community that I move through, and in doing so, become another victim of capitalism – saddled with huge debt, and most likely unable to find an official advocacy position that would pay off that debt in my lifetime.

I choose, instead, to move through my community in the ways I’ve been moving, because my community moves me to do so, and that’s how I show up. That’s how I care.

If you find this valuable, I’m asking to be allowed to continue advocating for your sensory and cognitive gifts, to continue recontextualizing valuable predispositions that have been pathologized. I’m asking to be adopted. I’m asking for your care. I’m asking for your support.

In asking for your support, I’m not asking to be the CEO of Spotify, or Starbucks, or Paramount+, or Ridwell, or any of the other services that folks find valuable and subscribe to. I’m asking for just enough care to be allowed to live and continue to do the work that I do. If you subscribe to even a little bit of the philosophy I share, consider subscribing to me, so I can continue caring for my community in the ways that I do.

Thanks for all you do, and thank you for being you.

the care economy

The care economy is an emerging model for supporting people, things, and processes we’d like to see more of in the world. It is about recognizing the things in our experience that bring us joy, that give us a [wow] or a [yes], and responding to these moments in a supportive way. It’s actually just, well, practicing care, and that’s not new at all. But the language of commerce is transactional, rather than responsive.

I recognize that I love the work that I do with people so much that I would offer it for free if I was supported–if all of my needs were met. But traditional models don’t allow for that type of responsiveness. I would like to try to move toward a more responsive system, built on trust. Why not?

People who know me can decide if they trust the work I do, and they can choose to support me so that I can do that work, or not. In doing so, they are allowing me to be more myself, and guiding me toward their own needs. I’m the product, in a sense, but since our relationship is based on trust, I’m allowed to do the work I believe, adjusting to the needs that arise, as they align with those who trust me.

This simple shift makes the difference between the transactional and the responsive. But it’s kind of vulnerable and scary. I have to trust those that are responding. Will I be supported? Will enough people believe in the work? If I am being truly responsive to their needs, then perhaps. I think it’s worth a try.

I see a difference between commitment and obligation. Commitment is a responsive engagement, where we meet the needs of the moment as it arises. Obligation can keep us stuck supporting processes that actually hinder our ability to respond to the moment.

So, I see a possibility emerging to do things in a more responsive way, and in seeing how obligation often thwarts connection, I would like to avoid transactions that create a sense of obligation, and nurture ones that give one a sense of [wow] or [yes].

So, think about our interactions in the spaces we share. If our conversations seem to be taking us in good directions, let’s continue the conversation. If helping to support me gives you a sense of [wow] or [yes], then you are participating in the care economy. Thank you for recognizing your own power to support, and if our goals align, thank you for your support.

connection/attraction/hyperfocus/community

I’ve been thinking for some time about certain dynamics and patterns in the spaces I move through, and having a difficult time finding the right framing to bring these ideas up in conversations with colleagues. I decided to see what the pattern-recognition community had to say. The result was quite helpful, and gave me some useful language to bring to conversations.

Prompt: i am a person with autistic traits. I share space with a neurodiverse community. I have strong senses of the attractive and attentional presentations of people I share space with. For example, in a space where 12 children gather, each with a parent, to participate in coordinated activities, I can feel the attentional and attractive pulls of various people to their children and to each other. Some adults will be highly focused on their own child with their attention and attraction, whereas some folks will be more open and inclusive with their attention and attraction. I notice that in those who are highly focused only on their own child, they can become highly agitated in moments when an engagement shifts their attention and attraction to become conscious of the juxtaposition between their hyperfocus and the gentle inclusivity of the group.

What am I describing? What are established tools modalities or models for understanding and working with these dynamics in group settings? What are reasonable expectations and frames for engagement?

ChatGPT: You’re describing a complex interplay of social dynamics, attention, and emotional engagement within a group setting, particularly in a neurodiverse community. This involves observing how individuals interact with their children and each other, highlighting differences in focus and inclusivity.

Understanding the Dynamics

  1. Attention and Attraction: The way individuals direct their attention can significantly impact group dynamics. Those who are hyper-focused on their own child may miss out on broader social interactions, leading to feelings of agitation when their focus is disrupted.
  2. Inclusivity vs. Hyperfocus: The contrast between inclusive engagement and hyperfocus can create tension. Individuals who are more open may foster a supportive environment, while those who are highly focused may inadvertently isolate themselves and their children.
  3. Emotional Contagion: Emotions can be contagious in group settings. The agitation of a hyper-focused parent can affect the mood of the group, while inclusive behaviors can promote a sense of community and support.

Established Tools and Modalities

Several frameworks and tools can help understand and navigate these dynamics:

Social-Emotional Learning (SEL): Focuses on developing emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and interpersonal skills. SEL can help individuals recognize their own emotional states and those of others.

Mindfulness Practices: Encourages present-moment awareness, helping individuals manage their focus and emotional responses. Mindfulness can reduce agitation and promote inclusivity.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC): A communication framework that emphasizes empathy and understanding. NVC can help individuals express their needs and feelings without judgment.

Attachment Theory: Explores how early relationships affect emotional and social development. Understanding attachment styles can provide insights into parental behaviors and interactions.

Neurodiversity Paradigm: Emphasizes the value of diverse neurological conditions and promotes acceptance and understanding of different ways of thinking and interacting.

Reasonable Expectations and Frames for Engagement

  1. Awareness of Differences: Recognize that individuals may have different ways of engaging based on their neurodiversity. Some may thrive in inclusive settings, while others may need more focused attention.
  2. Encouraging Inclusivity: Foster an environment where inclusive behaviors are modeled and encouraged. This can help reduce feelings of isolation for those who may be hyper-focused.
  3. Setting Boundaries: It’s important for individuals to communicate their needs and boundaries. This can help manage expectations and reduce agitation when attention shifts.
  4. Creating Safe Spaces: Establishing safe spaces for open dialogue can help individuals express their feelings and experiences without fear of judgment. This can promote understanding and empathy within the group.
  5. Flexibility in Engagement: Encourage flexibility in how individuals engage with their children and each other. This can help accommodate different styles of interaction and promote a more harmonious group dynamic.

By applying these tools and frameworks, individuals in a neurodiverse community can better navigate the complexities of social interactions, fostering a more inclusive and supportive environment for everyone involved.

Prompt: Are my autistic traits a factor in my perception or description of these dynamics?

ChatGPT: Yes, your autism likely plays a significant role in your perception and description of these dynamics. Here are some ways in which it may influence your observations:

Enhanced Sensory Awareness

Individuals with autism often experience heightened sensory awareness, which can lead to a more acute perception of social cues, emotional states, and interactions within a group. This sensitivity allows you to notice subtle shifts in attention and attraction among the people around you.

Focus on Detail

Many autistic individuals have a strong ability to focus on details that others might overlook. This can manifest in your ability to observe the nuances of how parents engage with their children and each other, as well as the emotional undercurrents in the group.

Different Social Processing

Your experience of social dynamics may differ from neurotypical individuals. You might process social interactions in a more analytical or systematic way, allowing you to identify patterns in behavior, such as the contrast between hyperfocus and inclusivity.

Empathy and Emotional Insight

While some people with autism may struggle with traditional forms of empathy, many possess a unique form of emotional insight. You may be able to sense the emotional states of others, even if you don’t express or interpret emotions in the same way as neurotypical individuals.

Personal Experience

Your own experiences as an autistic individual can shape how you interpret the behaviors of others. You may relate to the feelings of hyperfocus or agitation, which can deepen your understanding of similar experiences in those around you.

Conclusion

In summary, your autism is indeed a factor in how you perceive and describe the dynamics within your community. It provides you with a unique lens through which to observe and interpret social interactions, allowing you to notice details and patterns that may go unnoticed by others. This perspective can be valuable in fostering understanding and inclusivity within your group.

Emotional processing

A recent conversation about emotional processing with my neurodiverse community got me thinking about putting language to my experience of my emotional ecosystem. I have realized for a long time that my emotions work differently from many people that I interact with, and it’s only recently that I have had language to describe what’s going on with me. I’ll take a stab at sharing my language around that.

I love language, and I love the nuances of emotional language when I read it in literature, but I’ve found that trying to apply emotional language, especially nuanced emotional language, to my emotional processing is not very helpful. I have big feelings, and my emotional process is more like the digestion process than a responsive system. It’s more of a background process, and it can be glacially slow.

Trying to apply nuanced emotion words to my experience usually results in rumination. Is this sadness? Is it ennui? Is it longing, or despair, or grief, or disappointment, or disconnection?
Thinkthinkthinkthink.
Stewstewstewstewstew.
The thinking and stewing end up becoming more prominent than the emotion I am trying to parse. So I’ve learned not to go there.

I work with children, and they teach me everything about different processing styles.

There are some children who encounter a difficulty, they experience frustration, and may erupt in tears about it. The tears last for a couple of minutes, and then they move on to the next thing. They are able to quickly engage in another way. I will refrain from saying that this is a healthy emotional processing style, because we are de-pathologizing the language of neurodiversity. Neurodiversity is human diversity, and different processing styles are just that: different. Not divergent, not disordered, just different, and the many ways are useful in many ways.

There are other children who present differently. They may appear to be engaged in parallel play–not actually going along with the program that most folks are going along with, but engaged in their own program, in the same space, but on a different time frame. Being attuned to their own frequencies, they may not respond in ways that one might expect. And then, they will appear to be responding to something that others are not aware of. They may appear to not be troubled by a situation that seems troubling in the moment that it presents itself–they may not cry when frustrated, like many kids will. But then, at another moment, they may appear agitated, dysregulated, and the cause may not be clear.

That’s us–the attentional disengagement family of predispositions. We are literally built different, and in our ideal environments, we rock the house. But we can seem odd to others, and others may apply their own calculus to what’s going on with us, or project their insecurities onto the blank canvases that their misunderstanding presents. We often don’t have language for what’s going on, so we often get caught up in others’ descriptions of what they think is going on. I’ll try to say something about what’s going on for me, and maybe this will apply to others with processing differences.

Side note: my language is emergent, evolving. When I notice a pattern, and notice that I am dissatisfied with a word, term, phrase, label, or cognitive frame, my problem-solving mind tries to find a better alternative. I’m noticing all of these references to “differences,” as if there is a set of “sames” that is juxtaposed nearby. I’m dissatisfied with this juxtaposition, and as my language emerges, I will be trying to reframe this, to speak of specialties, and specificities, and a range of possibilities, rather than a set of norms and a set of differences. We are all needed, and valid, and part of the great human body. Because the eyes don’t hear, they are not seen as deficient, and their range of understanding is not a difference. I’m processing stuff like this in the background all the time. Such is my process.

Back to my processing specialties, particularities, specificities. I have found that my emotional processing is much slower than the child who tries, and fails, and cries, and recovers, and tries again, and laughs, and falls asleep. That’s just not me. My emotional processing is much more like my digestive processing. An event or engagement invokes a set of responses, and a range of possible resolutions to return to equilibrium. Emotions are kind of a way to return to equilibrium from an engagement with certain types of energy. And mine work very, very slowly, like the rest of me. So whereas someone else might encounter a situation that would invoke an emotion that might arise and quickly pass, that encounter, for me, might happen much more slowly.

An engagement is kind of like a piece of emotional food, and when it enters my nervous system, it will have a long way to go before it is digested. Emotional processing is kind of a background process in this way, and applying nuanced emotion words to this process is counter-productive. Similar to the digestive process, my emotional process is getting vitamins from the emotional encounter, but this process of getting vitamins is slow and in the background.

It’s like my nervous system is engaging in all of the nuances and possibilities for how the emotional problem that was presented could be resolved, and it is resolving them in all of the ways. My nervous system seems to be concerned with resolution, and the process of resolution is very much like the process of turning food into poop, and in my case, I eat emotional problems and I poop out resolutions in the form of words. Maybe that’s why my words sometimes appear stinky to people. (That’s just a silly side note).

What I’ve found much more helpful in the realm of emotional processing is to focus on sensory responses, and have simple and specific names for these responses. It’s a little vulnerable, because these responses can reach deep into my nervous system, but these responses pass much more quickly than emotional arcs, which can be glacial in their movements. A loud sound might provoke an [ouch], which might be accompanied by a [grr] or even a [buhu]. These responses might pass quickly, or they might provoke a longer background process as my nervous system attempts to process it. But focusing on the foreground responses has shown itself to be much more helpful than focusing on the background processes, which kind of seem to work better when they are not named. Just as I don’t really know if the burrito I ate is being processed by my stomach or my liver at any given time, I don’t really know at what point in the process my emotions are being processed. It’s a whole process, and baffling to those with different processing styles from mine.

But when I focus on the responses, I can see more clearly what’s being responded to, and often, this results in the response passing quickly, rather than turning into a whole digestive process.

A conversation is an engagement [engage]. It might result in a [wow] or a [yes] or a [nope] or a [grr] or a [fu], or an [ick] or an [ew], but it is still [engage]. That seems clear and makes sense to my nervous system. The responses take place within the [frame] of the [engage], and mostly the arise and pass quickly. But there may be elements of the [engage] that stick with me and don’t pass quickly. These pass through me like food passes through me–slowly, mysteriously, but also nourishingly, and resulting in a compostable residue.

All of that being said, there is a certain subset of emotional responses to engagements that is akin to eating something very spicy, and feeling that spicy food deep in my guts. A couple of types of engagements that feel especially spicy are 1) when someone brings me a whole story about something I’ve said or done that doesn’t match my insides at all, and they have no interest in asking follow up questions or hearing about my insides; and 2) when someone has a strong reaction to something I say that I know to be right and good and kind. Both of these types of engagements can be said to be “heated,” and both can leave me feeling hot and spicy in my center of gravity, and a little off-balance. When I was younger, I might have given a spicy response, and sometimes those spicy responses actually broke things open in the engagement and resulted in laughter of recognition. But other times those spicy responses left marks, and left me feeling terrible for having responded in that way.

As I’ve gotten older, these heated exchanges have not seemed as heated as when I was younger. I was able to sit in the middle of the spicy feeling in my center of gravity and not feel the need to give as spicy a response. Recently, for example, a parent in one of my spaces was engaging with their phone, an activity around which I have clearly set a boundary, and refreshed it often. In advocating for their child’s sensory and cognitive needs, I asked the parent to refrain from engaging with their phone, in as gentle and playful way as I could find to. They responded with their own spicy response. I was aware that an engagement such as this might in the past resulted in me feeling off-balance, and spicy inside. I might have felt my hand tremble, and I might have had a spicy space under my breath that made my voice tremble. But this time, I continued to be gentle in my advocacy, and found gentle reasoning where there might have been a spicy retort. At some point the parent became conscious of their place in the space, among other parents and their children, and I could see them reflecting, and thinking better of their need to push back and defend. It all felt very matter-of-fact, rather than spicy, in my insides, but with that there was also the feeling that the matter might not feel resolved for them. They might have some resentment left behind from the engagement. I experience this as the dangerous aspect of human relations. The little resentments that don’t get burnt up and released in the exchange can fester, and collect, and become highly charged. I’m always on the lookout for evidence that an individual might have a lot of these festering resentments, and I try to leave a big space between us, because something about my nervous system (even if I’m silent and secret) can make these resentments bubble up. It’s weird. I’ve learned to tiptoe.

All that being said, I’d say the biggest part of my emotional realm, especially since recognition of my sensory gifts emerged, has been a renewal of my love affair with experience, and often I experience this as having had a wonderful balanced meal, savoring all of the lingering aftertastes and feeling the meal move deliciously through my body. When someone asks me how I’m feeling in a moment like that, it feels kind of cheapening to say “good,” but I’ve learned that most folks are not interested or patient enough to hear about the lingering fragrances and tastes of my delicious experiences. So I write a lot, and in writing, my experience becomes real, and I might be able to share it in an appropriate moment. I recognize that my ancestors have been like this, and they’ve been showing me the way, even when I didn’t understand it, but only suspected.

same difference

In a society where differences are recognized and celebrated, our experience of community is an experience of collective difference.

In a society where samenesses are recognized and celebrated, our experience of community is an experience of collective sameness.

In a society that celebrates differences, everyone being different is a given. No one pops out. All are included.

In a society that celebrates sameness, everyone being the same is a given. The differences pop out. Some are centered. Some are different.

What type of society do you live in? What type of society would you like to live in?

Do you take comfort in sameness? Do you take comfort in difference?

Do our differences connect us or divide us?

This is all worthy of consideration.

framing is everything

Neurodiversity is the new (different! better!) cognitive frame. Astrology, Enneagram, Meyers-Briggs, Chinese medicine, naturopathy, homeopathy: having passed through these modalities, none of them made me feel seen in the ways that they were implemented by the particular practitioners who applied them to me. To be fair, I may have met with unskilled practitioners. Your mileage may vary.

But describing my sensory and cognitive differences to AI, and asking AI to describe an anonymous person with traits like mine makes me feel seen.

Take a look below, and if you know me, tell me if they got it right. And if you know me, consider the closing sentence of the assessment in your response. And if you are inspired to respond, don’t worry about offending me. I’m here for the opportunity for reflection. If language isn’t your thing, respond with your special way of being in the world.

Now, all we have to do is keep studying, and de-pathologize the language of neurodiversity so that the person described is seen as a healthy member of the community that has particular specialities that contribute to the health of the community (if you see me that way, to be fair), rather than a person with a set of syndromes that merit isolation, retraining, and medication (to be fair, that may be how you see me. There’s room for all of us).

Know thyself, indeed. “Come to your senses” is a phrase coined for a reason. Self-awareness modalities that stand up to scrutiny and are resistant to dogma are liberating.

Oh, and please reduce the energy needs of pattern-recognizing technologies, and keep them out of the hands of those who would use them to divide us. We need to know ourselves, and we need each other. Knowledge is power only if the power is in our own hands.


“Without meeting them, what might be inferred about a person known to exhibit autism, adhd inattentive type, aphantasia, and proprioception hyposensitivity?”

🧠 Inferences About a Person with Autism, ADHD Inattentive Type, Aphantasia, and Proprioception Hyposensitivity

Understanding a person with these characteristics can provide insights into their behavior, preferences, and challenges. Here are some potential inferences:

🌈 Cognitive and Sensory Processing

  • Autism: This individual may have unique ways of processing sensory information, possibly leading to heightened sensitivity to certain stimuli or a preference for routine and predictability. They might also exhibit focused interests or deep knowledge in specific areas.
  • ADHD Inattentive Type: They may struggle with attention regulation, leading to difficulties in maintaining focus on tasks that do not engage them. This could manifest as forgetfulness, disorganization, or challenges in completing tasks.
  • Aphantasia: The inability to visualize images in their mind may affect how they think about concepts, plan, or remember experiences. They might rely more on verbal or logical reasoning rather than visual memory.
  • Proprioception Hyposensitivity: This could mean they have a reduced awareness of their body position and movement, potentially leading to clumsiness or a need for more physical input to feel grounded. They might enjoy activities that provide strong sensory feedback, like jumping or spinning.

📚 Social Interaction and Communication

  • Social Preferences: They may prefer solitary activities or small, familiar groups over large social gatherings. Communication might be more comfortable through written forms rather than verbal, especially if they find social cues challenging to interpret.
  • Emotional Expression: There may be differences in how they express emotions or understand others’ feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings in social situations.

🛠️ Coping Strategies and Interests

  • Learning Styles: They might benefit from structured environments and clear instructions. Visual aids or hands-on learning could be more effective than traditional lecture-based methods.
  • Interests and Hobbies: They may gravitate towards activities that align with their focused interests, which can be a source of joy and motivation. These interests might be unconventional or highly specialized.

⚖️ Challenges and Support Needs

  • Daily Life: They may face challenges in daily tasks that require organization, time management, or sensory regulation. Support in these areas could be beneficial.
  • Self-Advocacy: Understanding their own needs and preferences may lead them to develop strong self-advocacy skills, especially if they have had positive experiences in supportive environments.

These inferences can vary widely among individuals, as each person’s experience with these characteristics is unique. Understanding and empathy are crucial in supporting someone with this combination of traits.

🗽

The first response of the conservative is

‘actually…’

The first response of the progressive is

‘consider…’

The first response of the ones who actually consider is

‘resolve,’

and we recognize that

‘solver’

and

‘lovers’

are both represented, and we’re trying to figure out how to include the extra

‘e.’

The struggle is real.

e pluribus unum.

PSA: SAD+CD & BSA

“Social situations” is not one category. People with selective attention disorder [SAD] may have difficulty conceptualizing this, but people with broad spectrum awareness [BSA] will understand it intuitively. There are social situations that drain us, and there are social situations that activate us. There are endless gradations and variations of how social situations can drain or activate us.

This is the spectrum we are on.

To be on the spectrum means to have access to BSA. Telling this to a person with SAD will likely cause them to experience cognitive dissonance [CD]. You’ll recognize this when they tell you you are overthinking.

It’s not you, sweetie.

They just can’t help it. Cognitive load grinds their gears, just like it does ours, but in different situations. The difference is that they point the finger of blame outward, while we point the finger of shame inward.

Don’t be gaslit.

Disengage, call a BSA buddy and laugh and laugh about that SAD encounter you just had. You’ll be glad you did.

♾️

My autistic traits are nothing to be afraid of. They are highly effective strategies in the environments for which they are adapted. If you spend time with me in these environments, a little of these traits may rub off on you, and your movement through these environments may be eased.

I have come to never doubt this.

I have also come to never doubt that people with autistic traits are not to be feared–whether we are nonverbal or highly talkative, highly energetic or profoundly still, highly organized or seemingly chaotic, hermetic or super social. If you recognize the environments for which we are adapted, and move through these environments with us, we often rub off on you in ways that make these environments easier for you to navigate.

We are connected to something, which sometimes makes us appear disconnected to you. If you connect with us, you connect to something, too.

We connect directly, which can sometimes seem off-putting, since we are not putting off connection or putting on appearances. Yes, we will likely rub off on you, but this rubbing off may actually make your way appear easier.

Please: recognize us. Recognize the environments for which we are adapted. Move through these environments with us. Let us rub off on you.

Despite appearances, it’s way easier than you think.

May all beings recognize their true nature.
Every day is neurodiversity awareness day.