Category: neurodiversity

super weird arbitrary common sense neighborhoods

Ryk GroetchenLeave a comment

I post a lot about politics on Facebook and my personal blog, and I have many strong and specific opinions. I also have joined many special interest groups on social media. It would never even occur to me to share my political opinions in these special interest groups, but I understand why some might.

I’m also neurodivergent, and I post a lot about that. Again, if I wanted to start a hyperlocal neurodivergence group, I feel empowered to do so, and wouldn’t consider posting in my local community group (though I might introduce myself there and invite folks to join my group if they like).

As a neurodivergent person, I have a lot of practice stepping on various boundaries that I did not understand intuitively. And, I understand a wide range of reactions to being reminded of a boundary.

Boundaries are social constructs, like gender and sexual preference. They may seem simple and obvious to some, but for others, it’s complicated, and the lines are not bold and defined. Social groups have a lot of unspoken codes that most people follow without necessarily even recognizing them until one of them is violated. When that happens, sometimes the group responds by adjusting the code to include the new behavior (again, often without even recognizing that it’s happening). Sometimes the group responds in a defensive way to reinforce the code.

People have a wide range of responses to being made aware of or reminded of a code. For some, they actually find it helpful, and they are able to contextualize the reminder as a frame for understanding the group’s character. For others, boundary reminders are always to be pushed back against, because boundaries are the enemy of freedom and a means of exclusion (which sometimes is actually the case).

As part of my particular neurodivergence, I experience something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). Because I understand this, I can be accountable for my feelings when it arises. But before I understood it, I experienced a lot of defensiveness when I was reminded that I had crossed some boundary I hadn’t intuitively been aware of. Hearing the reminder, I would feel rejected, isolated, and judged from without, and ashamed, embarrassed, and frustrated from within, knowing that my intentions were good, but now feeling like I will never be seen and have my needs met by the community. And all of this can happen in a fraction of a second.

Until I learned to understand this phenomenon, I would often either become defensive, or just disappear so that I didn’t have to feel like my presence was a reminder of my shameful act. It’s a rough spiral if you don’t understand it.

Having unraveled this to a certain extent, I can feel and understand how people can experience a boundary reminder as a personal rebuke. It sucks to feel that way. It also sucks for the person exercising the boundary to receive the kind of response that a person who feels shamed can give.

Because nobody asked, here are some unsolicited helpful tips for people on both sides of this type of online boundary issue.

For the person reminding someone that their behavior/language/tone/content has overstepped a boundary:

  • Remember that the person may not be aware of the boundary in the first place. Although to many, coloring within the lines seems obvious and uncontroversial, these social constructs are not clear to everyone. Always lead with love. Is the person violating the boundary out of clear defiance and disregard, or are they expressing a valid sentiment in a forum that is not habituated to accepting and including that sentiment? Don’t take the codes for granted and assume the worst. If a person walks into your flower shop looking for disinfectant, don’t right away make them feel stupid for having come to the wrong place. Let them know that you understand what they are looking for, and that it is available right across the street. Be willing to walk them there.

  • If a person is expressing fear, isolation, or rejection, try to remember what these feel like, even if you don’t agree with the way the person is expressing them. When a person is in that place of fear, it can be very hard to hear that they have also done something wrong. So try to let the person know that you hear them, see them, accept their feelings (because they can’t just turn them off to fit into the group’s code), and gently try to redirect them as in the example above.

  • Remember that boundaries are social constructs–a set of unspoken assumptions about the nature of reality that not everyone holds or conforms to or is even aware of. Telling someone they have crossed a boundary can be received as if you were telling them that they don’t conform to the gender presentation that you expect of them, or that the sexual preference they are expressing is shameful or inappropriate. Social constructs are super weird: obvious to some, and completely a mystery to others. Realizing this, we can avoid pitfalls by examining our own assumptions, listening deeply to what’s being expressed, and understanding what is needed in the situation for everyone to feel safe and heard. Because we all deserve to feel safe and heard.

For folks feeling rejected, isolated, or defensive for having been reminded that their behavior/language/content crossed a boundary:

  • Try to understand that the person enforcing the boundary or code may not even be aware that that’s what they are doing, because to them, they are just exercising common sense, that they believe everyone understands, except for people who are uneducated or who are willfully violating the boundaries. They think they are doing the right thing and you’re doing the wrong thing (notice that I said may, because not everyone is coming from this place). They may not have experience with including different views relative to the code. But understand that they are basically responding to your idea, and not your person (unless they are making it personal, in which case, it’s not going to be easy to educate them, so maybe disengage for a moment, because they’re lost too).

  • Try to be aware of the way shops are arranged in a town–there’s the flower shop, the candy shop, the drug store, the grocery store, the record shop (I’m old). While there is some overlap, each shop has a vibe and a range of products. If you keep asking for disinfectant in the flower shop, the shop owner is likely to become frustrated, and perhaps enraged. Know that if they are expressing that they don’t have disinfectant, that’s not about you. It’s just the limitation of their shop. Social media does have a town square: it’s the main platform, outside of the groups. The groups are like specialty shops, so that people entering those shops can have their expectations met. They are not necessarily trying to exclude people, they are just trying to limit the expectations to focus on a particular product. For some of us, this seems super weird, because all of the boundaries seem arbitrary, and we feel like we’re not being met where we are. But try to understand that the boundary they are showing you expresses their limitation, and not yours.

  • If you are finding that your language/behavior/content is causing people to react negatively, again, try to step back for a moment and not take it personally (super hard, I know). Consider whether there is another forum that might be more accepting of your expression, and more willing to meet your needs. If you are not aware of a place, and your desire is to post on social media, know that you are empowered to create forums like the one you are posting in that can meet your needs. For example, if you are wawnting to connect with folks around the issue of neighborhood safety, you can start a group specifically for that purpose, and then invite folks from the first group to join you. I have done this, so I am speaking from experience, and it can be a game-changer in terms or feeling heard and appreciated. You have options. Even though it feels like a fight-or-flight situation, you have options, and you can create the kind of community you envision–it just takes some extra work. But people may end up being grateful for that extra work, and that’s a win for everyone.

Lead with love. Listen deeply. Don’t take it personally, but respond personably. Kindly redirect. Read the room and feel empowered if the room doesn’t hear you–make a new room.

Be safe out there! We really do need each other.

Taste the Rainbow

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Understanding human cognitive bias, and the psychophysical mechanisms that compartmentalize our experience so that we can navigate in a world of endless variation, let us recognize that the rainbow is not actually made up of discrete bands of color – that is an illusion created by our senses.

As comforting as it may be to align ourselves with one band of color in the rainbow, let us also be able to abandon ourselves to the imperceptible spaces between the bands, as disorienting and vulnerable as that may feel.

We truly are one, and truly need one another to understand the whole.

That sounds very Berkeley. I own it.

If we let go of the idea that we are responsible for knowing everything about the world, and accept that we are actually co-responsible, how much more important is every relationship? How much more care do we take in articulating our perspective? How much more deeply do we listen, and in listening, build connections to parts of the world that we are incapable of hearing, but for our connection with others?

Do you feel me? Who will listen?

Happy Pride!

Neurodiverse Teams

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See folks, I’m not just making this stuff up. Neurodiverse teams are significantly better at solving complex problems than neurotypical ones. I’m convinced that we evolved together because we actually need each other. A co-emergent strategy that has, for better or worse, made us very prolific as a species.

I love it when I look for existing research to support a hypothesis that arises in my scheming mind, and find that there is evidence to support what suddenly makes perfect sense.

The Impact of Neurodiversity-Diverse Policies On Employee Performance, Retention, and Organizational Culture

Neurodiverse Staff Well-Suited To A Changing World

The Neurodiversity Advantage: How Neuroinclusion Can Unleash Innovation and Create Competitive Edge

The language of inclusion

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Neurodiversity, like gender diversity, sexual orientation diversity, racial diversity, is just language to describe the vast territory of human variation. Where once our language was simple, our categories few, and our understanding limited, we now are able to talk about our unique being in the world with recognition, empathy, and nuanced respect.

At one time we only had names for the large and small lights in the sky: Sun, moon, stars. Then we began to see patterns, and so the Constellations formed. The deeper we look, the more we learn about the nature and vastness of existence itself. And suddenly, we can print volumes and fill institutions with the great variety of language that we have to describe what was always there.

We have only relatively recently had the tools to be able to look into the nuances of human diversity beyond the realm of human cognitive bias. What we might think of as new has always been part of the human experience in a way that we may not have developed language for–or that the biases of powerful societies have erased as they absorb and subsume older ones, whose languages are often more nuanced.

The next time someone tells you that the neurological orientation we call ADHD is caused by video games, or that vaccines cause autism, or that sexual orientation can be prayed away, or that being trans is a lifestyle choice, or that it’s a sin to marry outside of one’s race, ask them if they believe in a world beyond the constellations.

Ask them if they believe the moon landing was faked. Ask them if they believe the moon is made of cheese, or that the Earth is flat and the sun is extinguished in the ocean every night. Because what they are really saying is that they are clinging to a world of simple categories that they can understand. Pity them, but please, do not fail to educate them.

Remind them that we are more alike than different, even as we are infinitely individually unique. Remind them that we all have hordes of tiny insects living around the base of our eyelashes, and that there are bacteria living in our intestines that are waiting only for us to perish so they can make our nutrients available to the grass.

Remind them that neurodiversity, gender diversity, sexual orientation diversity, racial diversity, are not any more threatening to them than those organisms that inhabit their bodies, that on the contrary, they actually affirm the community of beings that each one is, including them. Remind them that we, as a species, are successful because of our diversity, rather than in spite of it. Remind them that inclusion includes them, too, as they cling to their paper glider as it hurtles through the vastness of space.

Happy Pride!

Poem: Knowing They Are Needed

Ryk Groetchen1 Comment

KNOWING THEY ARE NEEDED

Organizers can go to bed early,

and wake up refreshed.

Fire tenders, blind to time, tend to stay up
all night, crafting, restless.

That is not their fault – it is just their way.

Organizers, because they see
only one way of doing their thing,
are very focused, and work together
like bees, in the bustle of day,

when the sun is high. It takes a lot of them

to get their work of organizing done. They organize
themselves into shapes. This is why
they are called organizers. On the other hand,
only a few fire tenders (who tend to scheme and craft,

in the calm of night, by the crackle of the fire)

are needed to keep the lions at bay
while the organizers sleep.
Fire tenders tend to see
a million ways to do one thing.

That is not their fault – it is just their way.

They scheme and craft, in the calm
of night, by the crackle of the fire,
and tend to dream, blind to time,
of ways to be helpful when it comes:

the time that they know they are needed.

Because there are more of them,
and because they’re so good at organizing
themselves and working together,
within their shapes,

in the bustle of day, when the sun is high,

organizers tend to believe it
when they think that their ways are best.
That is not their fault – it is just their way.
Tradition helps to keep them

focused and working together, within their shapes.

Because they are so adept
at doing one thing, the organizers
are not so good at noticing
when the way they are doing

their thing is wasting their energy.

That is not their fault – it is just their way.
Fire tenders sometimes try to share
the strategies they conceive, while scheming
and crafting, in the calm of night,

by the crackle of the fire, with the organizers,

who are not so good at knowing
what they need, or needing. The fire tenders
have become accustomed to hearing,
“that’s cute,” and “you’re overthinking it.”

Organizers can be kind of judgy.

That is not their fault – it is just their way.
Judging helps them navigate
the bustle of day, when the sun is high.
Fire tenders tend to feel a little

hurt by this, but they love the organizers,

and want to please them. That is why
they are called tenders. Because
they can only scheme and craft
in the calm of night, by the crackle of the fire,

and because they love the organizers,

and want to please them, and because
they are good at noticing when the organizers’
ways of doing their thing are wasting
their energy, and because they are good at

knowing what the organizers need, and because,

when they try to reveal the results of their schemes
and crafts in the bustle of day,
when the sun is high, they are told
“you didn’t cite your sources,” and “I love

the way your mind works,” the fire tenders

will sometimes craft maps, that show
the way to a new way of doing the thing
that the organizers are wasting energy on,
within their shapes. They know

when they are needed, and leave the maps

where the organizers will find them
when they wake up refreshed
in the bustle of day, when the sun is high.
The organizers, finding the maps

that the fire tenders made in the calm of night,

by the crackle of the fire, suddenly
see a new way of doing their thing,
within their shapes, without wasting energy.
When conditions are right, they don’t fail

to adopt the new strategy, and claim it

as their own. They are not stealing
or being vain: that is just how organizers
work. The fire tenders tend to be
untroubled by this. Blind to time, they know

when they are needed. They love the organizers,

and want to please them. That is not
their fault – it is just their way.
Because they have been so often told,
“you’re wrong,” and “just relax and be yourself”

by the organizers, the fire tenders tend

to carry around a lot of shame.
Because they are organized, the organizers
believe it when they think that
the fire tenders carry shame because

they are not able to organize themselves into shapes,

like the organizers. Though that is not
the case, sometimes the fire tenders
begin to believe it themselves. They tend
to love the organizers, and want to please them.

That is not their fault – it is just their way.

What happens when the shame
the fire tenders carry around compels them
to adopt the ways of the organizers,
whom they love and want to please,

and organize themselves into shapes,

in the bustle of day, when the sun is high,
and go to bed early, and wake up refreshed?
Who will think of a million ways to do one thing?
Who will scheme and craft maps

when they are needed, in the calm of night,

by the crackle of the fire, to point the organizers
to a new way of doing their thing without
wasting energy, within their shapes?
Who, blind to time, will know

when they are needed? Who will keep the lions at bay?

– Ryk Groetchen May 26, 2025

MAY ALL BEINGS REALIZE THEIR TRUE NATURE
EVERY DAY IS NEURODIVERSITY AWARENESS DAY

ADHD Journey: 1 month in

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So far so good. After 2 weeks on meds and a consultation with the pharmacist, I doubled the original dose, and i don’t see increasing any more going forward. My sleep patterns have stabilized and I am actually sleeping more and deeper. This is probably in part due to the fact that I am no longer napping in the afternoon, so at night I am actually tired and fall right asleep.

My step count is on point, and for the last week I have averaged 5 miles a day. I am down 15 pounds from my January weight. I do sometimes forget to eat, but I’m not actually skipping meals, and I have less of a tendency to just clean my plate on principle.

This is all great, but what about my attention? This is a little more difficult to wrap up succinctly. I have continued to experience a decrease in “background noise” that would pull me away from a task. I have also noticed a subtle but unambiguous change in my connection with my current instrument, the ukulele. I have always had a difficult time internalizing and retaining patterns–I have to practice a lot to memorize and integrate new material, and even then it doesn’t always “stick.” It seems lately that the circuits seem to be firing a bit more smoothly. Not a dramatic change by any means, but noticeable and welcome.

What medication hasn’t helped with is the sense of panic and dread I feel from situational sources: caring for and managing the affairs of a loved one with dementia; a marked downward trend in enrollment in music classes, my source of income; parenting a neurodivergent teen who, like me, learns everything the hard way and navigates a world that wasn’t necessarily designed for him; and watching the failure of our justice system and legislature to stop the dismantling of our hard-won civil liberties, environmental protections, and social safety net. All I can do is focus on the task at hand and avoid ruminating, and with that I feel more vulnerable and see fewer options each day. My instinct for self-preservation has seemedly not increased with my ability to focus.

My mind’s tendency toward world-building seems to continue unchecked as well–there is an unrelenting “impossible dream” that a big part of my consciousness is trying to realize, which saps a great deal of the energy which I feel should go into organizing my activities into a sustainable livelihood.
Well, that’s that. To be continued …

ADHD Journey: Self-assessment, peer assessment

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I have gotten my ADHD diagnosis from Kaiser. In talking with other friends about their experiences with this process, it’s clear that no two stories are alike. I’ll be describing my experiences, but it’s probably best to assume that your assessment process will look different should you choose to try it.

I called Kaiser to ask for an assessment. They gave me an appointment to have me speak over the phone to a clinician. When the day came, I was asked questions for around 45 minutes, related to my mental health history, education and work experience, and family history. They scheduled a follow-up phone appointment for the following day. The clinician told me that, based on my answers to the questions, I was in the range for going on to a more in-depth assessment that would also take place over the phone and would take about 3 hours. They also said that I showed signs of anxiety and depression, and asked if I would like to see a therapist. I asked if this was covered by my plan, and they said yes, I would receive weekly visits with a therapist with no copay. I definitely took them up on it, and have been meeting with a therapist over Zoom ever since. I guess Kaiser is really stepping up their mental health game. More on that in another post.

The three-hour follow-up assessment was similar to the first one, but I was asked for more details about my experiences. I was also asked about my history of traumatic experiences. The clinician was very kind and thorough, and I felt at ease, and even unburdened, to share my story.

The next step was to ask a friend or family member to complete a peer assessment. I sent the link to a friend who has known me for around 30 years and who is a therapist, thinking that they would probably be a person with a balanced view relative to the subject. During the follow-up with the clinician, they asked why I had chosen that particular friend to do the peer assessment. Evidently the assessment created a discrepancy with my self-assessment. They said that it was clear from my self-assessment that a diagnosis of ADHD was appropriate, but my friend’s peer assessment didn’t support my own. The clinician asked if I had another friend who would be willing to take the peer assessment. I passed the link on to another friend, a parent who I worked closely with for a number of years. This friend took the assessment, and afterwards reflected to me that the questions seemed to have little relevance regarding my symptoms or functionality. The clinician contacted me for a follow-up, saying that there were still discrepancies, so rather than offer a diagnosis, they referred me to the psychiatrist to take the tests described in a previous post.

When I appeared for the visit with the psychiatrist, they told me that my assessments showed clearly that I suffer from ADHD symptoms, but that these tests would be helpful to determine if I was trying to game the system to get meds. They asked if I am a regular cannabis user (I’m not), and proceeded to describe a common scam among younger people: evidently a cannabis user will game the system to get meds, and then trade the meds for cannabis. They had me take a urine test on the way out.