neuroemergence

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Because no one asked, here’s one take on neurodivergence:

We have the Latin-derived terms horizontal and vertical to describe the x- and y-axes in a two-dimensional model. The fact that there is no handy, colloquial Latin-derived word for the z-axis, or depth, suggests that writers and thinkers driving language forward are not accustomed to interacting with this cognitive and sensory space in conversation (instead, newer OED entries include “doomscrolling,” “adultification,” “rizz,” “simp,” and “brain rot”).

I posit that this is due to a pervasive paradigm of 2-dimensional cognitive and sensory models.

I propose the term “profundal” for this z-axis, derived from the Latin “profundus,” meaning deep. Horizontal, vertical, and profundal. Use them in conversation today!

In my conversations with 2-dimensional and 3-dimensional thinker-experiencers, it becomes clear what is happening. Those who are labeled “neurotypical” are 2D thinker-experiencers. Those labeled “neurodivergent” are simply 3-dimensional thinker-experiencers. The “divergence” part of the equation is simply divergence from 2-dimensional cognitive-experiential models.

“Emergence” would be a better operative term, as it suggests growth and depth.

Since the 2D paradigm is dominant and power-protective, the challenge for 3D thinker-experiencers is fitting 3D thoughts and experiences into bite-sized chunks that 2D thinker-experiencers can understand. And likewise, 2D thinker-experiencers are challenged in making their thoughts and experiences nuanced to meet the thoughts and experiences of 3D thinker-experiencers.

I’ll say the quiet part out loud: Neurotypical perceivers literally lack depth–like actually, cognitively–lack the cognitive ability to fit 3-dimensional descriptions of reality into a 2-dimensional cognitive frame. And neuroemergent perceivers navigate a huge cognitive load in trying to fit a 3D experience into a 2D frame.

No foul: we’re all just literally working with the hands we’ve been dealt.

Unfortunately, as we see happening around the world, when 2-dimensional thinker-experiencers don’t understand something, they mistrust it, and give it a label, and ask that it be changed to fit into their cognitive frame. So, 3D thinker-experiencers are labeled “divergent,” and are given helpful strategies to become 2D thinker-experiencers, like the good people in power who care so much about our collective well-being (that last bit was sarcasm, for those among us who don’t parse it intuitively. I hope it didn’t detract from the narrative. Immunity to sarcasm is actually a gift). And 3D thinker-experiencers, hoping for equilibrium, tend to go along with the program, seeing the bigger picture and not being attached to the narrative of power.

And so, 3D thinker-experiencers are pathologized. Called “divergent.” Called “overthinkers.” Called “avoidant,” “hypersensitive,” “deficient,” “introverted,” “socially awkward,” “shy,” “nonverbal,” “anxious,” “distractable,” “impulsive,” “disruptive,” “difficult,” “flat,” “overtalkative,” “interruptive,” and so many other things.

That’s what I call “hocus pocus.” It’s the little flick of the wrist that points over there and assigns blame.

But don’t think that I am suggesting that 3D thinking is better than 2D thinking. There is a place for all of us. All of Terra’s children got a place in the choir.

2D thinker: “I didn’t understand you, and so you are to be mistrusted.” The finger points outward.

3D thinker: “You didn’t understand me, and so I am to be mistrusted.” The finger points inward.

Both are wrong. Both are examples of hocus pocus.

It is only when lack of understanding is followed by a conversation that the world is united, inclusive of 2D and 3D thinker-experiencers’ ways of being.

But 3D thinker-experiencers have a lot of work to do. We must stop internalizing shame, stop retreating into isolation because we are not understood. We must connect and connect and connect in all of the ways that we know how, and all of the ways that we suspect might be possible.

The ways will be non-linear, and may not fit easily into the media, social, and aesthetic platforms we have been given–but they will have the quality of depth. They will be profound. And hopefully, they will inspire clarifying questions. Questions that resolve our differences–our sensory and cognitive differences.

Because once awareness has emerged, it can’t be fit back into the box (hint: this is a good explanation for Pathological Demand Avoidance😜).

❤️‍🩹

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We could simply care for one another, but capitalism demands that its needs are met first, and its cut exhausts our resources, completely. We must then engage with capitalism to simply receive care, and we cannot care except through transaction. To care becomes a term for believing in something strongly, while being reminded, moment by moment, of our being too busy to engage our natural response to offer care. We need to care for one another. Capitalism doesn’t care.

neurodiversity journey: recognition

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Now that I am coming to understand my own neurodivergence, from the inside, (my punch card is getting full! It’s pretty clear I have autistic traits, in addition to ADHD, aphantasia, and proprioception hyposensitivity. Hurray!), I understand some of my differences as gifts. My inner blindness reroutes my visual processing through my language system–words are literally my way of visualizing. So whereas someone who visualizes might just enjoy the picture in their mind, I must make words, and I must share them for my inner world to become real. And although I do not have access to visual memory, I have a strong inner sense of space: I can feel inside myself places I’ve been, and tell you about the contents of those spaces–so if I point, and you can’t see what I’m pointing at, I’m pointing at something inside of myself, relative to my position in that space. I can smell these spaces, and tell you about those smells, and my reaction to them.

I share my language, from within the heart of my sensory and cognitive differences, exactly because people like RFKjr are spreading a dangerous lie: that autism is a disease, it is on the rise, and that it can be cured. And by association, because there is no magic data point that defines autism specifically and definitively (we are instead compiling lists of “tendencies” and comparing them lists of “norms”) people with other sensory and cognitive differences are in danger of being subjected to this cure as well.

Imagine: we could be living in a world free of Beethovens, free of VanGoghs, free of Newtons and Robin Williamses, free of Dogens and Temple Grandins and Einsteins, free of Soyen Shakus and Ryokans and Yayoi Kusamas, free of Greta Thunbergs and Hannah Gadsbys and Emily Dickinsons, free of Darwins and Joyces and Yeatses and Wittgensteins and Hans Christian Andersens and Susan Boyles and Blaise Pascals and Darryl Hannahs. Free of quirky-but-gifted people who connect directly with those they love, and are all around us, and always have been.

Humanity is not a collection of individuals: no individual ever did anything–we are a social species who has been so successful because we are so varied and so cooperative. People with sensory and cognitive differences are not diseased. In the vast, collective human body, we are specialists. Sometimes our specialties have us engaged in processing experience in ways that make us seem hard to understand and asocial, when in fact we are solving problems others are not even aware exist. Our affect appears flat because our nervous systems are wired for something else besides satisfying others’ need for affirmation through tone and facial expressions–we are wired to respond to a different set of impulses. We are the ones whose acute hearing warns the community of danger; we are the obsessives who figure out how to get nourishment out of a plant that is toxic until it is beaten and soaked and rinsed and soaked and mixed with ashes and soaked and rinsed and dried and cooked; we are the ones who create new language for the inner world of those who cannot speak, and in doing so make them human, acceptable, and hopefully valued in the community of humanity.

Hopefully you’ll connect with some of this language–it will remind you of something you already know. Hopefully you recognize that a world free of autistic traits would be a dismal place indeed. Hopefully some of this language will land with you, and hopefully you will spread it–it is open source and free to use, and it was created by observing you in action.

Thanks for listening. Having heard, warn the community of danger, in all of the ways you know how.

May all beings recognize their true nature.

Every day is neurodiversity awareness day.

neurodiversity journey: autism spectrum

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TW: expletives

In my studies since diagnosis with ADHD, I have learned of my aphantasia and proprioception hyposensitivity. I have been participating in support groups with other ND people, and I have come to believe that I may be autistic as well.

So, I go online to take the Autism Spectrum Quotient test (created by researchers from the University of Cambridge) to see if I’m in the ballpark.

First question: I am [ ]male [ ]female

Fuck you guys. First question is a bad question. Right away, binary bias. Fuck that shit. That’s what got us where we are. These people don’t know anything. My child and two of their cousins are trans, and not everyone identifies as m or f. Fuck this test.

Second question: I prefer to do things with others rather than on my own. [ ] definitely agree [ ] slightly agree [ ] slightly disagree [ ] definitely disagree

Fuck you guys. Was this test even written by a human? Do things? Who does things as a specific category? What the actual fuck are you talking about? Is square dancing doing a thing? Is pooping doing a thing? I definitely prefer to square dance with others. Fuck square dancing alone. I’ve tried it. It sucks. That being said, stay the fuck away from me when I poop. I hate pooping with others. When I was in jail I had to poop in front of 50 other people, many of whom were waiting to poop themselves. (That needed a comma. They weren’t waiting to poop themselves–they were actually trying to avoid pooping themselves: they were waiting to poop, themselves). You can shut your feelings down, but who wants to do that? Fuck public pooping. Fuck jail for making people poop in public. Fuck this test. What the actual fuck? Over.

Third question: I prefer to do things the same way over and over again. [ ] definitely agree [ ] slightly agree [ ] slightly disagree [ ] definitely disagree

Here’s with the fucking “do things” again. Who the fuck thinks this way? What fucking things? Who decided “do things” was a thing? Oh, the things I would do to that person, the same way, over and over again. If something works, I will do it that way again. If something doesn’t work, I might try to do it the same way again, to see if it was the doing or the thing that was the issue. Did I make the perfect soft-boiled egg? Fuck yes, I will do it the same fucking way over and over again. The fuck? Did I fuck up in a social situation? You’d better believe I will not do that same thing over and over again. I will nope out before that fucking thing is allowed to happen again. Fuck these guys and their “do things”. Let’s see how you do things, fucker.

Fourth question: If I try to imagine something, I find it very easy to create a picture in my mind. [ ] definitely agree [ ] slightly agree [ ] slightly disagree [ ] definitely disagree

Oh! Oh! This one’s easy. I have aphantasia. Definitely disagree! But you know what: if you would have asked me this question 6 months ago, I would have (subliminally) interpreted it as “can you describe something that is not in front of you this very moment,” and I would have answered, “definitely agree.” Because I have a plethora of words at my disposal, and languagey memories, I would be all over that shit. Because I have a paraphrasing mind, it would have made perfect sense to answer this way. So this seems like a kind of trap. Fuck traps on tests. Fuck whoever made this fucking test. Next fucking lame question.

Fifth question: I frequently get so strongly absorbed in one thing that I lose sight of other things. [ ] definitely agree [ ] slightly agree [ ] slightly disagree [ ] definitely disagree

This is like asking, “do you poop?” Have you ever met a sports fan who gets absorbed in the game and forgets to take out the trash? Are all sports fans autistic? Now I want to cry. Because is there such a thing as a human that doesn’t listen to their favorite song and forget that the world exists? Fuck these fucking guys who made this fucking test and made me imagine a world where someone listens to their favorite song and doesn’t forget their problems for a moment. Fuck. You. Guys.

Fuck!

Question the sixth: I often notice small sounds when others do not. [ ] definitely agree [ ] slightly agree [ ] slightly disagree [ ] definitely disagree

Ok. I’m a musician. It’s not fair to ask me this question. Thank you, next…

Question the seventh: I usually notice car number plates or similar strings of information. [ ] definitely agree [ ] slightly agree [ ] slightly disagree [ ] definitely disagree

When you were brought up with road trips and games where you had to spell a word using letters from license plates, this just seems like some kind of setup. What the actual fuck? We were trained as kids to parse fucking license plates, and to see the fun patterns that pop out. We were trained to respond to life, basically. What. The. Fuck. Are. We. Talking. About?

Seven questions in, and I am feeling nothing but white hot rage. Fuck whatever standard this test is supposed to be revealing. This is like Ouija Board level hocus pocus. Saturn return, mercury in retrograde, name starts with R-level ambiguous hocus pocus shit. Like someone whose basic assumptions have never been questioned-level bullshit. Like polo helmet as an everyday headwear category-level shit. Fuck! What the actual fuck!

Fuck. You. Guys.

People! What the fuck is going on? The person next to you senses the world differently from you because of the nervous system they were born with! Care for them, for fuck’s sake! What the fuck else do you need?

Fuck! We are fucked!

🔺

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Who is the you? Which is the me?
Wait–are there three?

You may find that you see
everything one way,
just as it is,
until one day you
question something and
have a crisis, and
make a big cognitive leap,
and then suddenly,
there’s another
possibility.

You might find that you’re seeing
everything a million different ways,
completely overwhelmed,
until one day, you
have to get something done,
and you have a crisis, and
make a big cognitive leap,
and then suddenly,
there is only
three.

One of you is going
to be the me
in a conversation with you
some time today.

You’ll know, because
you will find yourself
thinking, “this person’s thinking
is so simplistic,”

or possibly

you will find yourself
thinking “that person’s thinking
is so complex.”

Which one will be right?

If we pause, and reflect, and listen,
and speak with care,
i think you’ll see
–(between you and me)–
we’re not two,
but three.

You,
the peace we just made, and
me.

Which one is the me?

Waiting for yes

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“Oh, come on Ryk, you’re being so persnickety with language again. Why don’t you just lighten up and hear what we mean, and not worry so much about how we say it?”

Why, thank you for being brave and vulnerable, and for speaking up when you feel the need arise. Here’s the thing: there are a lot, lot, lot of brave and vulnerable people who would speak up just like you did, if they had the language for it. Kids with autism. Neurodivergent kids. Trans kids. Immigrant kids. Kids with trauma. Grieving kids. All kids, really, but especially these kids. Kids whose experience on the inside doesn’t match the words they hear thrown around on the outside.

These kids cannot advocate for themselves, and often asking them to do so results in a painful cascade of expectations that can be paralyzing. Because they want to advocate for themselves. Believe me every part of their nervous system is doing its best to connect in nurturing ways.

If you’ve ever had the experience of “Yes!” upon hearing something expressed in a new way that aligns with your experience, you may be able to recognize the power of language to make one feel connected, in an instant. Like the whole world was waiting for this moment of connection of body, mind, and consciousness. A lot, lot, lot of these kids, our kids, have been waiting for a moment like this for their whole lives.

As we approach the end of Pride month, I recognize that I’ve been awash in a sea of colorful and descriptive language about identity from many angles, and I recognize that so little of it directly connects with my experience. Male is good enough, but only because I’m shy with my self-advocacy around gender. I don’t connect with enby or trans or agender inside, but you know who’s team I’ll be on in a bar fight. I just don’t want to take up all of the oxygen by claiming that space from someone who does feel that “yes” when they hear it.

And I know I’m not straight (damn straight), but bi, gay, queer, aromantic, pansexual (sorry if I left anyone out)–not quite feeling it on the inside, but definitely who I’m hanging with on the outside. And, not having that big “yes” experience when I hear them, I may seem like I’m not coming when I’m called to advocate or celebrate. It’s not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t always recognize myself.

And ‘othering’ is like that. A lot, lot, lot of people, not just kids, have a big loneliness inside, because as humanity is lining up for it’s various functions, they are not 100% sure about which line is theirs. Maybe they’d rather divide themselves up and be in all the lines. Because they want want want to connect, but the lines of connection are not always clear.

So, in being responsive with my language, I’m being brave and vulnerable, and advocating for that little kid inside who is experiencing life boiling and freezing and rumbling and flowing and ouching and aahhing inside, but hasn’t found the right words to express it. And is waiting waiting waiting waiting endlessly waiting for that moment of “yes.”

Happy Pride
Every day is neurodiversity awareness day.