ever since i was young, i’ve felt like i was from a different culture, and was dropped into this one by a stork. somewhere along the way, i decided to stick by this, and honor the integrity of my original culture, and not get too deep into this dominant culture that i still feel like i’m just visiting.
what’s interesting is that i see, hear, and feel traces of my original culture, the more i move through the world, study other cultures, and talk with culture-bearers when they are available. i can’t claim belonging in any one culture, but i can recognize ways of relating and of doing things that align with the nature of things in ways that the dominant culture does not. sometimes, just a tiny affirmation that something i’ve struggled with in the modern, capitalist world makes sense in a different context can provide a sense of deep calm.
i present as male, and am feminine-attracted. i have always been told that i need to be more assertive in finding a partner, that i need to put myself out there in a certain way. i notice that there is a certain way that the glance of the masculine-attracted person tends to not land on me. even with my deep voice and male presence, being more feminine-identifying internally, this makes a certain sense to me.
when i feel an affinity for someone, though, my instinct is not to be assertive, but to continue to be open and present, without trying to grasp. i don’t feel that this is hesitation, lack of confidence, or fear of rejection. i feel that this is a cultural norm that my body remembers, even as the world moves quickly around me.
i feel that my original culture is centered around inclusion, and meeting everyone’s needs in the community, simply because everyone belongs. this being so, my original culture is a women’s organization, and men are willing participants in this organization, but do not center themselves in matters of partnership.
i see that a woman recognizes a person that would make a good partner by seeing how that person moves and deals in their affairs — whether it’s a business partner, an activity partner or a romantic partner — and gender is not really at issue here. and a woman, knowing that she can choose or not to engage in partnership, because her needs are met by her community, has all the agency.
there’s some deep part of me that has a cultural memory of a time and place where it is understood that a woman simply chooses a partner when she recognizes one who she wants to work with, and that any advertisement on the part of a potential partner is a cheap performance that is never going to land well. i may or may not be a good partner — in business, activities, intimate relationships — but either way, that is not my decision to make; it’s instead the shape of my arc, the cut of my cloth, and whether i am useful is right there for all to see. it is either my time or it isn’t, but forcing the issue benefits no one.
i read about places where such arrangements are indeed the way of everyday. this gives me a sense of deep calm, while also reinforcing the feeling that i was dropped here by a stork.