i got this letter from my nana today. i thought id share it with you. it made me cry, she’s such a sweetheart. i miss her so much, but i thought you might get something out of hearing how she talks to me.
take care,
rag
hey, baby,
i hope you’re settling in nicely. i was just thinking about you, and wanted to give you some nice words in case you’re lonely. it can get lonely, these days. here’s some things that will help you remember that you’re not alone.
the meditation hall, the container that meditation happens within, is a character. we know this to be true because each meditation hall smells a little different, has different drafts, and the shadows land differently at different times of day.
just as each individual, each buddha within its walls is a character, and the sangha expresses the shape of the community’s character, the meditation hall is a character whose walls contain the character of the teaching that has happened there. even if no dharma talk has ever been given in the space, in this space, dharma is always being expounded. the particular shape of the dharma being expounded in the meditation hall continuously is called character. we say it is neutral, but in fact it has a shape that is exactly its own.
zen’s emphasis on shikan taza, and the absence of guided imagery during the meditation period, allows each mind to settle in its own way. each buddha is the container for the teachings, myriad ways of seeing and being seen, arising interdependently, and liberation is not dependent on following instructions, save the ones one follows to remain upright, if one needs them, be they remembered words, embodied shapes, or pictures of buddhas practicing upright.
within the meditation hall, the sangha arranges itself into the shape suggested by its walls, which were built exactly as a container for the sangha from the suggestions of the sangha. a buddha settles into sangha in the ways that the sangha suggests, and the shape of this settling is a suggestion that informs the sangha. countless momentary interactions, with people, with architecture, with idea and interpretation—nothing but dharma unfolding, and this unfolding is a character.
i know, sometimes people say you’re being a character, but you’re just being yourself. i see you, baby. miss you, sweetheart.
the moment a new monk, or the visitor from another temple, enters the meditation hall, the character of the hall is revealed: where are its boundaries rigid? where are there walls that adjust to the needs of the moment?
notice how quickly the seasoned monk moves to correct. notice the subtle signs in their behavior that they are adjusting to something, to understand it. beyond the postures and the mudras of the service, and the way the bells are sounded and clappers clapped, what other shapes is the sangha embodying that are shaped by the character of the meditation hall?
the new monk, or the visitor from another temple, might do well to view each interaction in a new space as a kind of guided meditation that reveals the character of the meditation hall—the character is being performed, and can be perceived—a perfect character study. someone is being meditated upon, and decisions are being made, just as one is meditating upon the space one moves through and making decisions.
seeing these encounters as guided meditations, that sitting in stillness prepared us to move through, how is one’s response to being guided, in the way one’s being guided? what is the character of the response to or the receipt of the dharma talk that one’s movement through the environment offers the sangha? where is the friction, or the resolution of friction, at the edges of the interaction between your character and the character of the meditation hall, and the sangha, and the buddhas within?
where does one notice resistance or redirection? where does one feel a curtain yield or a window open. breathing the shared air, understanding how air cycles through a space, understand how generosity flows through the space, and how it is redirected, and why.
when a monk asks questions, their questions reveal their character. when the sangha responds, the response reveals the character of the sangha. the character of the meditation hall is revealed in the particular way a footstep echoes, or the way the line of a tan invites us over, and these are reflected in the character of the sangha, and the buddhas within. a cast of characters with a certain character.
notice your capacity for kindness, child, and notice the way that kindness breaks you open when it reaches deep inside you.
be reachable, honey.
be generous, baby.
knowing the way that kindness breaks you, consider the way that being forced open breaks you, and sit with that. i know you do.
have you ever had moments where you’ve been forced open, or moments where kindness broke you open? have you ever accidentally broken someone open with kindness? have you ever forced someone open with kind intentions? i know you’re thinking about these things, baby. that reflects kindly on your character.
don’t worry about performing the fiction of independence.
try to abandon the performance of invulnerability.
the earth needs us to be vulnerable, right now, sweetie.
can you hear it?
i wish i could hug you.
nana loves you.
you be good now, and you just live your life, and be the best person you can. it’s your life, and no one can live it for you.
don’t forget to think of your old nana once in a while.
love you, baby.